Bishop here, ready to tell you about the new flicks on the way from the Slacker Mafia/Children of the Revolution/The Lords of Effington. Are you ready? Yes? Liar. Anyway, I want to tell you about five scripts. Since they're by me, Trix, and Marty, there's no doubt the scripts have amazing plots and casts, so I won't waste your time with that. So, instead, I'll focus on the intensity of how awesome they all are.
First -- Stars and Satellites. I read the startup, it's great. Don't believe me? Go fuck yourself. Martoons wrote it, and it's *snaps fingers* Winner! all the way.
Second -- Space Travel on a Budget. I helped write it, but it's Trixie's baby -- it's so good, it's like getting cock-slapped by Jesus Christ himself. In five years, you won't be talking about the screenplay, you'll be talking about the Oscar winning film.
Third -- Dracula's Daughter. A Trix script currently in development, but moving strong. I've been working on creature designs for this one. What? You thought Bishop was a one trick pony? Oh, you were wrong. Bishop has many talents. Ask your girlfriend how the bed got broken. Hint: my thrusting ass had something to do with it.
Fourth -- Half Dead and Dynamite. Still forming, but I'll say this embryo could lift one pre-formed foot and kick half the current theater's ass. Life begins at conception, cocksuckers. Just ask Sarah Palin. Then slap her in the head and grab a boob. It's your right as a taxpayer.
Fifth -- Way Out Where. Bishop deals with the thrilling issue of Mineral Rights in Southwest Arkansas. If you think that sounds boring, go back and read the first word of this entry. "Bishop." If you're not sporting a screenplay-boner at the sound of that name, sorry -- if you were normal, you'd be as hard as Jeffrey Jones at a Jonas Brothers concert.
There's more, of course, but I've already posted a very entertaining entry for your enjoyment. If there's one thing I try to avoid, it's being long, boring, and unmanagable *cough*likeTailchasers*cough* so I'll just wrap it up here. Five silver bullets of fuckdamnin' good shit coming your way, courtesty of the S-M. Like a dime, fuckers.
-- B
P.S. I'd talk about the script that rhymes with "Flooring Prick Dubloon," but you ain't worth it until Yesterdays and Ballad get more reviews. So shave yer cooch and get to work, schoolgirls.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Put up or shut up time, old man.
This is Bishop, in my first Slacker Mafia post. Now, Mattricks and Marty have weighed in (Newman was busy singing) but maybe it's time I weigh in.
Ed Havens. Ed Havens backs out more than a guy with a one-car garage. He pulls out quicker than Mattricks when he's told, "sure, you can do that on my face." He runs away faster than Marty in a town without cigarettes. He disappears faster than me in during a magic show where the magician makes the most awesome thing in the room disappear. Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Havens is a writer-pussy.
Put up or shut up time, you loud-mouth geriactric. It's time to see what you're made of. And I hope it's good. I hope it blows my mind. Because since 2004, all I've heard from you is "You're not as good as [guy who wasn't good enough to keep Producer's Chair or Film Mogul running, and who has no real life deal]." No, we're better. We've got M & M. They're barely legal to drink and they are better than you.
I remember the way you and Cassy would talk ... "Oh, still playing a game, Bishy?" Yup, I did, and I kept my writing skills sharp. I honed my craft, and still hone my craft, on one of the greatest free gifts for writers that's out there. And what did you do? You sniped at HTG. You got snooty, got bored, came back, wrote "Afterlife," "Hot Coco," and "The Frozen Heart" and you showed you'd lost whatever writing gifts you'd ever had. While you were out being psuedo-superior, the Slacker Mafia was becoming incredible.
And yet, you still keep talking. The guy who lied about being the kid in the park for a film credit keeps teasing us with releases he's afraid to go through with, but it's just that. Teasing. He knows how it feels when a guy who knows writing like the back of his hand looks over his work and finds it shitty. He's afraid of doing it again.
I've asked to preview "Salvage." Ed Havens will probably not let me check it out. He should. Ed, is it really that satisfying to get a "good for you!" from your wife, Trig Havens, or the random friends you get to show up to pat you on the back and then disappear? Does that "jazz" you, as a guy who's only slightly older than you named Bill O'Reilly might say?
You want to be awesome, grandpa? Win me over. Win us over. I dare you. Get past adolescence and become a man.
-- Bish
Ed Havens. Ed Havens backs out more than a guy with a one-car garage. He pulls out quicker than Mattricks when he's told, "sure, you can do that on my face." He runs away faster than Marty in a town without cigarettes. He disappears faster than me in during a magic show where the magician makes the most awesome thing in the room disappear. Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Havens is a writer-pussy.
Put up or shut up time, you loud-mouth geriactric. It's time to see what you're made of. And I hope it's good. I hope it blows my mind. Because since 2004, all I've heard from you is "You're not as good as [guy who wasn't good enough to keep Producer's Chair or Film Mogul running, and who has no real life deal]." No, we're better. We've got M & M. They're barely legal to drink and they are better than you.
I remember the way you and Cassy would talk ... "Oh, still playing a game, Bishy?" Yup, I did, and I kept my writing skills sharp. I honed my craft, and still hone my craft, on one of the greatest free gifts for writers that's out there. And what did you do? You sniped at HTG. You got snooty, got bored, came back, wrote "Afterlife," "Hot Coco," and "The Frozen Heart" and you showed you'd lost whatever writing gifts you'd ever had. While you were out being psuedo-superior, the Slacker Mafia was becoming incredible.
And yet, you still keep talking. The guy who lied about being the kid in the park for a film credit keeps teasing us with releases he's afraid to go through with, but it's just that. Teasing. He knows how it feels when a guy who knows writing like the back of his hand looks over his work and finds it shitty. He's afraid of doing it again.
I've asked to preview "Salvage." Ed Havens will probably not let me check it out. He should. Ed, is it really that satisfying to get a "good for you!" from your wife, Trig Havens, or the random friends you get to show up to pat you on the back and then disappear? Does that "jazz" you, as a guy who's only slightly older than you named Bill O'Reilly might say?
You want to be awesome, grandpa? Win me over. Win us over. I dare you. Get past adolescence and become a man.
-- Bish
Friday, October 17, 2008
Musket Marty previews "Yesterdays"
Dear Fans,
Emily reaches her hand across the case.
Reed gains a sense of comfort through Emily’s interest.
Reed stands at the corner of a main street, his eyes wandering in search of a certain someone.
Emily is suddenly standing behind Reed. She taps him on the shoulder. Reed turns and smirks.
Reed puts out his arm and waits for Emily to interlock hers with his.
Surrounded by the most random of crowds of shoppers Reed and Emily look over a rack of blazers.
Reed notices a denim jacket and takes it off the rack. He chuckles to himself as he raises it to his chest and looks at Emily for approval.
Emily is holding two white blazers and smiling with child-like anticipation.
It appears that in merely one week you'll all get my first offering in two years. I hope all you critics will give it a fair look and help me out with a review or four.
So, what's the film about? It's all quite simple...
Efram Reed (Emile Hirsch) is struck by failure all at once and makes the decision to take the big leap to the afterlife. He finds this decision to be stumped by the weird appearance of fate that sends him several months in to the past to where his trouble with began. Given another chance with the only woman (Martha MacIsaac) that he's ever loved, Reed is tickled with feelings of shock and awe.
The first night he lies down to sleep he finds it all not as simple as it appears. Every night he falls asleep he is greeted with change in the present, forcing him to live two lives at once. As Reed's relationship with his first love beginning to wane towards familiar territory he is greeted in the present by the kind face of Emily (Alison Lohman) who slowly changes his perception that past battles are worth revisiting.
The snag comes when Reed realizes with every move in the past guiding his future that he may be forced to revisit the broken relationships he had with his first love and his reclusive uncle Walcott, played by Peter Sarsgaard.
There's a greeting to the world of my newest film.
I figured any preview would not be complete without a scene of sorts, so here is a look at Reed's first unofficial date with Emily. It comes after their first meeting in which Emily decided it would be better that they not exchange names, so things didn't get too serious too fast...
INT. PRICEMART - JEWELRY DEPARTMENT (PRESENT)
Emily is leaning against the case looking bored, playing with the bubble-gum in her mouth. Reed’s feet move quicker than ever as he makes his way to her.
EMILY
(Refreshed)
Well.
(Refreshed)
Well.
Emily reaches her hand across the case.
REED
My name is Reed. Efram Reed. People call me Reed.
EMILY
Because your first name sucks?
REED
I wouldn’t say my first name sucks.
EMILY
I wasn’t either, I mean... I just hear these things. Did it strike a chord?
REED
From what I hear Efram is easily in the top eighty as far as most popular first names.
(Beat)
I doubt your name even cracks the top one hundred.
Reed shakes hands with Emily.My name is Reed. Efram Reed. People call me Reed.
EMILY
Because your first name sucks?
REED
I wouldn’t say my first name sucks.
EMILY
I wasn’t either, I mean... I just hear these things. Did it strike a chord?
REED
From what I hear Efram is easily in the top eighty as far as most popular first names.
(Beat)
I doubt your name even cracks the top one hundred.
EMILY
I’m Emily.
I’m Emily.
Reed gains a sense of comfort through Emily’s interest.
REED
I’ve got a party to hit tonight.
EMILY
That sounds like fun.
REED
You have any plans?
EMILY
(Thinking)
Uh...
(Beat)
Oh! I do need to hit up the thrift stores and find some white blazers.
REED
(Perplexed)
Well, we could always do that before. I was going to go pick up some music.
EMILY
(Excited)
Great!
EXT. CITY STREET - DOWNTOWN - DAY (PRESENT)I’ve got a party to hit tonight.
EMILY
That sounds like fun.
REED
You have any plans?
EMILY
(Thinking)
Uh...
(Beat)
Oh! I do need to hit up the thrift stores and find some white blazers.
REED
(Perplexed)
Well, we could always do that before. I was going to go pick up some music.
EMILY
(Excited)
Great!
Reed stands at the corner of a main street, his eyes wandering in search of a certain someone.
Emily is suddenly standing behind Reed. She taps him on the shoulder. Reed turns and smirks.
EMILY
Wonderful day, don’t you think?
REED
Yes.
(Beat)
What were we going to a thrift shop for?
EMILY
I need some costumes for a play a few friends are doing in the square.
REED
(Interested)
Oh, sounds great. What’s it about?
EMILY
(Cocksure)
It’s an adaptation.
REED
Of what?
EMILY
Twins.
REED
The uh... Arnold Schwarzenegger movie?
EMILY
(Excited)
Yes! Except they turned it in to a musical.
Wonderful day, don’t you think?
REED
Yes.
(Beat)
What were we going to a thrift shop for?
EMILY
I need some costumes for a play a few friends are doing in the square.
REED
(Interested)
Oh, sounds great. What’s it about?
EMILY
(Cocksure)
It’s an adaptation.
REED
Of what?
EMILY
Twins.
REED
The uh... Arnold Schwarzenegger movie?
EMILY
(Excited)
Yes! Except they turned it in to a musical.
Reed puts out his arm and waits for Emily to interlock hers with his.
REED
(Amazed)
Sign me up.
INT. THRIFT STORE - LATER (PRESENT)(Amazed)
Sign me up.
Surrounded by the most random of crowds of shoppers Reed and Emily look over a rack of blazers.
Reed notices a denim jacket and takes it off the rack. He chuckles to himself as he raises it to his chest and looks at Emily for approval.
EMILY
If you were a gutter punk who owned several patches, maybe.
Reed shrugs and puts it back on the rack. A HIPSTER with a very well groomed beard and whatever ironic shirt that he found in his closet this morning glares at Reed as he takes the denim jacket off the rack.If you were a gutter punk who owned several patches, maybe.
REED
(To the man, quietly)
I think it’s terrific.
EMILY
(Loudly)
Yes!
(To the man, quietly)
I think it’s terrific.
EMILY
(Loudly)
Yes!
Emily is holding two white blazers and smiling with child-like anticipation.
REED
One of those is definitely smaller than the -
(Beat)
Oh, got it.
EMILY
I know a guy who looks exactly like Danny DeVito.
REED
Who’s playing Arnold?
EMILY
The backup center at the college.
(Beat)
I don’t know much about basketball, he answered the ad on Craig’s List... is he going to be tall?
REED
Does he play basketball?
EMILY
Yes.
REED
I imagine he will be much taller than you or I.
EMILY
One of those is definitely smaller than the -
(Beat)
Oh, got it.
EMILY
I know a guy who looks exactly like Danny DeVito.
REED
Who’s playing Arnold?
EMILY
The backup center at the college.
(Beat)
I don’t know much about basketball, he answered the ad on Craig’s List... is he going to be tall?
REED
Does he play basketball?
EMILY
Yes.
REED
I imagine he will be much taller than you or I.
EMILY
Awesome.
REED
Hey. I’m far sighted.
(Beat)
Does that mean I can’t see things up close? I didn’t go to college.
Reed turns and is face to face with Emily. Emily takes hold of both of Reed’s hands. She moves one to her shoulder and interlocks her fingers with the other.
Emily smiles as she rests her head on Reed’s shoulder, swaying back and forth with him to the music.
EMILY
(Intimately)
Nothing like a good slow-dance, right?
REED
I feel like the drunken nature of the parental slow-dance sessions I was around to see may not have helped me along the way.
EMILY
Weird family life?
REED
Well, to start things off they weren’t meant for each other.
(Beat)
Her a lowly dry-cleaner and him a secretary of state.
EMILY
(Chuckles)
I get it, not a subject of discussion you enjoy.
(Beat)
Just don’t lie to me.
REED
(Nods)
It won’t happen again.
Emily pirouettes with the guidance of Reed and comes back to him, again resting her head against his chest.
So there's your extended look at my new film. I hope you all come out and see it. You'll find the first look at "Space Travel On A Budget" attached to it, so look out for that. I have nothing more too add... but... here's a poster.
INT. RECORD STORE - NIGHT (PRESENT)
Browsing through a seemingly endless line of CDs at separate ends of the store are Emily and Reed. A slow old Motown soul song plays in the store.
There are a series of time lapses as they are seen slowly moving closer to each other in their browsing until they finally stand back to back.
Emily turns her head and gets a quick look at Reed as he brings a CD very close to his face, having trouble reading the tracklisting.
Emily laughs quietly.
There are a series of time lapses as they are seen slowly moving closer to each other in their browsing until they finally stand back to back.
Emily turns her head and gets a quick look at Reed as he brings a CD very close to his face, having trouble reading the tracklisting.
Emily laughs quietly.
REED
Hey. I’m far sighted.
(Beat)
Does that mean I can’t see things up close? I didn’t go to college.
Reed turns and is face to face with Emily. Emily takes hold of both of Reed’s hands. She moves one to her shoulder and interlocks her fingers with the other.
Emily smiles as she rests her head on Reed’s shoulder, swaying back and forth with him to the music.
EMILY
(Intimately)
Nothing like a good slow-dance, right?
REED
I feel like the drunken nature of the parental slow-dance sessions I was around to see may not have helped me along the way.
EMILY
Weird family life?
REED
Well, to start things off they weren’t meant for each other.
(Beat)
Her a lowly dry-cleaner and him a secretary of state.
EMILY
(Chuckles)
I get it, not a subject of discussion you enjoy.
(Beat)
Just don’t lie to me.
REED
(Nods)
It won’t happen again.
Emily pirouettes with the guidance of Reed and comes back to him, again resting her head against his chest.
So there's your extended look at my new film. I hope you all come out and see it. You'll find the first look at "Space Travel On A Budget" attached to it, so look out for that. I have nothing more too add... but... here's a poster.
xoxo,
Musket Marty
Musket Marty
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Boombox Generation
Today it was decided that our rather modest, humble group expand. We've been all over the globe searching for a replacement since Misio's departure from the game. There has been an undervalued, hidden gem bubbling in the Great North. We poked him and now he's ready to burst. His name is Andrew Newman and he's clearly better than all of you. His accolades speak for themselves. I'll let you all go to the HTGMDB to discover them. I want to speak about his character.
This kid has more untapped potential in one pinky than most of you peasants have in your entire bodies. He's been a slave to you "big guns" for way too long. Shit, his award winning picture, THE PROJECTIONIST, was released by a studio that is the primary home of a glorified video game wrestling diary. We feel that with proper motivation and surrounded by a group of peers that legitimately care about creative writing he will not only be able to win numerous Best Producer Awards, but he will also have a lengthy and profitable career in real life.
If we're all talk, how come all the best players here want to join so badly? Meditate on that.
Dust.
Trixie.
This kid has more untapped potential in one pinky than most of you peasants have in your entire bodies. He's been a slave to you "big guns" for way too long. Shit, his award winning picture, THE PROJECTIONIST, was released by a studio that is the primary home of a glorified video game wrestling diary. We feel that with proper motivation and surrounded by a group of peers that legitimately care about creative writing he will not only be able to win numerous Best Producer Awards, but he will also have a lengthy and profitable career in real life.
If we're all talk, how come all the best players here want to join so badly? Meditate on that.
Dust.
Trixie.
News From The Wasteland
UPDATE:
Crooked Little Vein has been picked up by Miracle Pictures. It is scheduled, as always, for a September 26th release, starring John Cusack and Camilla Belle. A poster will be forthcoming shortly.
Durden
Crooked Little Vein has been picked up by Miracle Pictures. It is scheduled, as always, for a September 26th release, starring John Cusack and Camilla Belle. A poster will be forthcoming shortly.
Durden
Power Doesn't Run on Nothing
BREAKING THIS MINUTE:
Bishop and I just finished a phone conversation about the future of Checkmate Pictures and Roman Candle Features.
A deal was made for me to pay out the 300 million dollar loan he received to open the gates. From there, Roman Candle will become Checkmate's Arthouse Studio for the more outside the box movies. Bishop and I will run this without the help of any deadweight that currently resides in the company. She will be able to take her vapid creative work and mindless scripts elsewhere.
This decision stems from a powertrip she is recently having due to the fact that she probably hates her real life and isn't satisfied in the bedroom. It's unfortunate really that she won't fucking go away.
In other news, my good buddy Mike "Tyler" Durden will be moving his fall adaptation CROOKED LITTLE VEIN to any studio interested, after becoming tired of putting up with the shady direction Checkmate currently is operated under.
More news later.
Dust.
Trixie
Bishop and I just finished a phone conversation about the future of Checkmate Pictures and Roman Candle Features.
A deal was made for me to pay out the 300 million dollar loan he received to open the gates. From there, Roman Candle will become Checkmate's Arthouse Studio for the more outside the box movies. Bishop and I will run this without the help of any deadweight that currently resides in the company. She will be able to take her vapid creative work and mindless scripts elsewhere.
This decision stems from a powertrip she is recently having due to the fact that she probably hates her real life and isn't satisfied in the bedroom. It's unfortunate really that she won't fucking go away.
In other news, my good buddy Mike "Tyler" Durden will be moving his fall adaptation CROOKED LITTLE VEIN to any studio interested, after becoming tired of putting up with the shady direction Checkmate currently is operated under.
More news later.
Dust.
Trixie
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Returning To The Fold
Hey everyone! It's great to be back! I've missed all of you for so long, you guys are great. I always said that HTG had the greatest people in the world.
My new film is coming out n November and it is called Yesterdays. It will star Emile Hirsch and be directed by Steve Conrad. It is a time traveling romance/drama/comedy. With the Slacker Mafia pretty much holding the top 20 reviewed films of all time hostage, I hope to add another to that great list.
I noticed our first posting was noticed by old Film Mogul alum and producer of Trackers 2, (starring Vin Diesel) Suicidal Honkey. With five years since his last release he believes our two years of not being nominated for awards (because we didn't release anything) means we are as washed up as a 1980's Corey in Hollywood.
You see Suicidal Jake, we didn't come back to give great reviews to E-FED Pay Per Views. We came back to churn out quality product and have some fun. Seeing as your your name has Suicide in it, I'd stay away from us. We could probably convince you to kill yourself if we wanted to.
xoxo,
Marty
My new film is coming out n November and it is called Yesterdays. It will star Emile Hirsch and be directed by Steve Conrad. It is a time traveling romance/drama/comedy. With the Slacker Mafia pretty much holding the top 20 reviewed films of all time hostage, I hope to add another to that great list.
I noticed our first posting was noticed by old Film Mogul alum and producer of Trackers 2, (starring Vin Diesel) Suicidal Honkey. With five years since his last release he believes our two years of not being nominated for awards (because we didn't release anything) means we are as washed up as a 1980's Corey in Hollywood.
You see Suicidal Jake, we didn't come back to give great reviews to E-FED Pay Per Views. We came back to churn out quality product and have some fun. Seeing as your your name has Suicide in it, I'd stay away from us. We could probably convince you to kill yourself if we wanted to.
xoxo,
Marty
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